I Tend to Hate Shit.

The reason I don’t turn to self-harm

I’m already disgusted with my body, why make it worse?

I’ve thought before and almost attempted to on higher parts of my thighs, but I don’t want the scars.

I’d like to think at least my being a little bitch has come in handy for once. 

Anonymous asked: i just wanted to say that i know you're a sweet kid and i hope things get better for you as quickly as humanly possible. you don't deserve anything that makes you feel as horribly as these posts portray you to feel. please, just keep on going and eventually it will all work out. i promise. stay strong and lean on your friends because they care about you more than you think they do.

I don’t deserve anything. I just want to stay in my basement until I die…

Your score is 86.25 (out of 100).

According to the Zung Self-Rating Depression Scale, you are rated as SEVERELY DEPRESSED. You should consult a health professional for possible treatment. If you are having suicidal ideations please seek treatment immediately. 

Fuckin’ hell.

That’s it. I’m back where I used to be. I had been on a happy kick for a few weeks but now I’ve dropped back down. Shit. And I thought things were going well for me. 

I managed to pull myself out because people I highly regard and respect gave me compliments. For example; My idol tattoo artist said he liked a lot of the work I did. In that moment I have never felt happier. I can’t recall a time when I was just that ecstatic. My idol. MY FUCKING, IDOL. 

I’m realizing now though that I have no real skill though. I make shit look nice but what do I have to show for? I haven’t gotten anywhere, and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to make things work. People are always asking me to draw this shit for them, but never want to give me anything in return. What the hell does that say about me? Even when I ask. I’ll say, “can’t you give me like, at least 3 dollars so I can get a new pencil or something?” But no. No one gives two shits. They just want to use me. It’s not about helping me or even asking me to help them. They just want their shit done for free from an amateur who can use a pencil but than an ape.

My head has been throbbing to the point of exploding all day. It started while I was driving home from class today. I literally just go so fucking angry my hands went numb from gripping the steering wheel so hard. All of the shit that used to haunt me came flooding back in a matter of seconds and I almost pulled over so I could get out and punch the shit out of the ground. 

How the hell can I fucking function in society if I can’t deal with my problems? 

I’m always saying I can’t deal with this shit anymore, but when is my body gonna live up to that statement? I’m feeling drained. Like no one cares. I don’t give a fuck who springs up after I post this because everyone thinks this is my cry for attention. My big “final speech” or “last words” before I kill myself. 

Well fuck you for not being around before.

Where the hell were you when I sat shaking from the nightmares? 

Where the hell were you when I couldn’t move from the pain in my chest and head?

Where the hell were you when the flashbacks hit me so hard I think I may have passed out?

People think they can help, but they’re what makes me worse. 

I would never say this to anyone’s face though, because I’m a pussy. I don’t have the balls to confront anyone because what the hell would I do? Threaten them? I’m not even that fucking intimidating. 

I just wish people…. understood? 

No. 

I don’t give a fuck. 

I don’t know what I want.

I have no idea what I’ve ever wanted.

I want to end it but I’m a pussy.

I know I’m not strong enough.

But fuck everything,

I continue to be dead inside while everyone thinks I’m living.

No one cares anyway.

I have class tomorrow;

There is no fucking way I’m gonna be asleep by 12 and I have to be up at 6:40. 

I’ve been on a really angry kick today. Everything has pissed me off and I’m getting sad again.

Ugh.

mimosamemoirs asked: Hi, I love you because you're smart

Thank you, I REALLY liked the way you presented you argument and agree with you. I just hate people that think they’re tough shit and can’t take 30 seconds to review what they’re doing and what they’re saying. If this were an open debate off of the internet this guy wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Oh, and fuck him, I’m not using his preferred pronouns.

samanthas-secret:

You have got to be fucking kidding me